Don't waste your cancer...started Otober 3

Today AShton was supposed to have a field trip to Jaemor Farms but it got rained out. So we have a very disappointed boy on our hands. To make his day better, I brought him Chickfila to school and we had lunch together. Now I am at Starbucks waiting a few hours until I get to go read to his class since he is star student this week! Last night he learned a big lesson. He told me we should pray four times that God would not let it rain today so he could go on his field trip. Seeing the forecast,  I explained that sometimes God does not answer a prayer in a way that we would hope but it is only because he knows the best. He said well God loves us and would want us to go on the field trip. I told him yes, but someone somewhere might need it to rain and pray for rain today. He replied, "well then it's a tie." phew this boy is good! I then told him perhaps somewhere some farmer needs it to rain so that his crops can grow and he can feed his family and maybe that was more important than our field trip. He couldn't argue with that one. I wonder if this will stick in his little head though that God may not answer our prayers the way we ask him.

Today is October 3, the third day into breast cancer awareness month and pink is EVERYWHERE. It is my last week day of my recovery and I have to start back work on Monday. Six months ago I was a few days away from my mastectomy. It is hard to believe. What is even harder to believe is that almost exactly a year ago I found a breast lump and prayed so very hard that it was nothing...and I was told by more than one doctor that it was nothing for about 5 months. Then in March I got a different answer and God answered my prayer in a different way. Now the question is... why? I am doing so very well and I am so incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude to God that I was spared from what could have been so devastating, but I am still wondering why did I go through this? LAst week Wes and I watched a Parenthood together where Kristina tells her husband she has breast cancer. It was so emotional for him, I don't think he'll be watching much more with me, but it brought on a deep discussion between us. Now that we are on the other side of this, what were we supposed to learn and take from this? We know a couple in our class at church who are exactly a year out from treatment of the husband's testicular cancer. They tell us that a week before his diagnosis, their marriage was on the rocks and they prayed desparately for God to do something in their lives. They can honestly say they are thankful for cancer and the way God used it to transform their marriage. Well I cannot say that I prayed for a life changing event before I was diagnosed and I can honestly say it is difficult to be thankful for this. I can say that I have seen and felt God's presence throughout and no doubt He has changed the way I look at life and my children but is there more? I can see the way that God has allowed me to view my patients differently and the women I have been able to bond with through this diagnosis are amazing women that I am so thankful to now know. I had lunch with my new friend Tricia the other day whom I would have never met had it not been for cancer. She is such a sister to me now and we say often that no one in the world can relate to each other the way we can. I also am so thankful for the extra time these two recoveries and a summer of radiation gave me with my children due to all the time off work I have gotten. Especially in this last three weeks, I have had so much one on one time individually with my boys and been able to do more for them at school and pick them up from school which has been a huge blessing.

Then last Sunday in our church class, we talked about Hebrews 12 and God's discipline. Since the couple I mentioned earlier was there and we were too, our teachers posed the question, "can we say that cancer is punishment or God's discipline?" Wes and I both wanted to just run out of the room and held back tears during the class. I couldn't wait to get out of there and I know that no one in my class would say Blakely must have done something to deserve this, but it is a difficult thing to imagine and sure, I have had thoughts like that. All I know at this point is that God spared me and His mercy to my family is incredible and I don't want to miss what He is going to do through us because of what we have been through.

This brought me to read David Piper's pamphlet this week called, Don't Waste Your Cancer. Someone in our church class recommended it and I am so glad I read it, although it was difficult.

In the pamphlet, Piper has several items he challenges not to miss and if you do, he says you waste your cancer. The first one is basically not to think of cancer as judgment for us as  Believers, because Christ took on our judgment. Although all suffering is a result of sin, and in a sense judgment, we in Christ can instead think of it as "labor pains of a new creation."  His second point is that God permits everything for a reason and therefore our cancer is designed by Him. This one is hard to stomach but he points to Job and how Job said that his boils were from God.  I have thought all along that God knew even as a little girl that one day I would face this obstacle. I am so thankful He prepared me for it and can honestly say although this was a shock to us, Wes and I both believe He had prepared us for this. I have written before about how God used Gideon's story even before my diagnosis to strengthen me. It is evident in the way friends and family have supported us and He has taken care of all of our needs. He gave me the most incredible husband to walk me through this and I have said countless times how thankful I am for my boys' ages right now. I think only Ashton will remember bits and pieces of the last 6 months which is why I am trying to write about this. Their sweet little minds did not have to worry and I am so grateful. The third point that really hit home with me was "we waste our cancer if we seek comfort in our odds rather than from God." He quotes 2 Corinthians 1:9 " we felt that we had received the sentence of death. BUt that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead"
I will never forget the 24 hours after I received the call of my diagnosis or the 45 minutes in the MRI tube before we knew the extent of my disease. It was my darkest day but I have never felt so intensely my need to rely on God. I knew things could go either way, but that God was there in that horrible tube with me. THAT was relying on God and I can say I have experienced it and know my need for it daily. And maybe that was what I needed. I know I may never know all these answers, but I don't want to waste my cancer or miss what God is trying to teach me. I hope my children will one day read this and God will use it for them. God showed me Psalm 106:8 the other day, "Yet he saved them for His name's sake that He might make known His mighty power." People tell me I am so courageous and I chose such an aggressive treatment that was so brave, but I am not brave.
Hillsong's Oceans has played so many times in various places during my treatment. I love the song and it reflects everything I feel. I asked them to play the Fish in the MRI tunnel for me and God gave me this song. God has definitely taken me where my trust was without borders.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw