I'm going to talk about it... a lot

Last Wednesday, March 5, I stayed home from work with Ashton and Embry because Ashton was sick. I will always remember sitting on the couch with him while Embry was napping and he wanted me to read him Bible stories from his Bible. We had read about Gideon and then I got the call from my breast surgeon that changed my life forever. She told me that the biopsy she had taken the week before, that she had completely reassured me would be most likely benign, surprised even her to be cancer. The C word that anyone on this planet never, ever, ever wants to hear. Especially when you are 33 years old and you have a husband and 3 young children.  I cannot describe how I felt. She told me I would definitely need surgery but she didn't know anything else or what kind of surgery. She wanted to see me for an MRI biopsy to know more the following day. I went upstairs to my room and called Wes who did not answer so I called my mom. Then I called my friend Kate. We were all just in such shock. I was shaking and felt like I shook for the next 24 hours until I went to my appointment. But then God just took over. I was in autopilot as I cared for my boys until Wes got home. I texted a billion people to get them to start praying and I just prayed and prayed, God please do not let my children grow up without a mother over and over. I called our friend Rick Stiles who is a radiologist and had been following us through all of these ultrasounds I have been having over the past few months. he was also completely shocked. Nothing had shown on my mammogram and I had had four ultrasounds that showed nothing. He asked if he could come over that evening and I am so thankful he did. He sat down with Wes and I and explained the options we would have over the next 24 hours and helped us understand all the questions we should ask my surgeon. My stomach was in knots and I felt chills the whole time. I give people medical options and advice everyday but never thought I would be having to make these decisions. This was about me and it was hitting.When he left, we both felt better about having a plan and having knowledge but I couldn't eat or sleep and the next day felt numb but had to take care of my children. Everytime they looked at me or said something sweet, I would just rush upstairs and cry so they couldn't see me. We went outside and I kept tearing up while Ashton wanted me to play soccer with him. It was a dreary and cold day too which made it worse. Although I was feeling emotions I had never come close to experiencing somehow I was able to get through it and my kids had no idea what was going on. God carried me and gave me the peace beyond all understanding that His word tells us about. You think you feel peace until you go through a day like that and then realize what true peace is.

So my mom came to keep the boys and Wes got home and took me to the biopsy. We prayed and prayed and felt the peace but were so scared. I had to have the MRI twice because the machine was broken but I didn't care, I just wanted answers. The wait for the dr was so long but she finally came and told us that yes, the MRI finally showed what I had been feeling for months that nothing else showed. I do have a cancer but it is confined to the breast ducts and appears to have not spread to be invasive breast cancer and appears to have not spread to the lymph nodes or the chest. But it is large at 8 cm so she said they would need to take the whole breast. I immediately said I would like the other one taken too and she said she agreed. Her words were, "You are going to be ok. You have a 99% chance of survivial. You will get through this and live the rest of your life. It is unfortunate...you're 33 but you are going to be ok." Now there is a chance things could change once they get in there and get all the pathology but things look very early now.

The relief that these words gave me is undescribable. God has spared me. I know that things could change but right now they look very good and we had a plan which empowered us. I ate that night and slept like a baby. The next day I met with two plastic surgeons and chose one to do my reconstruction. The process was unbelievable. I couldn't imagine making decisions about how I would look cosmetically but one kept explaining he had to take me to the next step and I would one day care about this. All I wanted was to get this cancer out.Both felt so sad for me because I was so young. The second one kept looking at me pitifully and shaking his head in disbelief. He kept saying, "you have no family history of this?"

Anyway, God is good and Wes and I both kept talking about knowing that God is good whether I had this positive news or whether things were more grim. We have to trust God. He is all we have. We have to cling to His word and know he is Sovereign. I just kept thinking that from the moment I was born, he knew I was going to have breast cancer.

I have been telling everyone how he prepared me for this. For some reason, I have always been scared about breast cancer. I guess it started when I was in PA school and learned so much about it. One in 8 women have breast cancer which is mind boggling. In PA school, I decided to go off of birth control because i feared it. Over the past several years, I have changed our family's soaps, detergents, cleaning products, lotions, shampoos, my makeup, sunscreen to natural products that I have read and studied about that lack certain ingredients thought to cause cancer. We eat mostly organic meats, produce, drink organic drinks, etc. We rarely eat out thanks to allergies. This has always been a passion of mine. I have not worn anti-perspirant in a year probably for fear. Soon afterI found the lump in October and had my mammogram, I heard a cancer survivor on the radio saying when he was diagnosed, he had to come to the conclusion that I mentioned earlier, "Is God still good in the midst of cancer?" The question has rung in my ears over the past several months since I found this. I kept hearing doctors tell me not to worry, this was nothing, etc but something (God) kept pushing me to pursue this. They tell me now the only reason this was found was because I pursued it, and I am so aware of things but I know it is really only because of God.

So Gideon...God has been using the story of Gideon in my life through this. A few weeks ago I started a BIble study on Gideon and I read the words He told Gideon, "You will not die." I just felt so strongly God was telling me this. the following week I had my biopsy and brought the deviotional. As I sat waiting, God allowed me to read those words again, "You will not die."  Then Ashton wanted to read the Bible before I got the call and sure enough...he turns to the story of Gideon. I cannot explain this but I feel like God was telling me that I would not die because of this and I have clung to that.

The ways God has worked in our lives over the past week are amazing. I got so may texts of prayers and Bible verses from friends the day of my MRI that gave me strength. He allowed me to get a second opinion from a plastic surgeon the moment I left the parking lot of the first one. I was able to go straight into another office and was the last patient before the surgeon left for spring break. When Wes called our condo's HOA board the day after I was diagnosed and told them, they allowed us to continue renting our condo when our tenant was about to sign a lease on another place the same day. Otherwise we would have been forced to sell end of March and been in major financial crisis. We took our van in for repair work and it ended up being only a small thing that was free.
We have had countless calls, texts, cards, facebook messages of encouragement. I have found from friends of friends two women who gave my plastic surgeon good referrals which was reassuring. I have a mercer PA student right now and one of her classmates just did a rotation with my plastic surgeon and said some great things about him!
I heard from 2 PA classmates who have both had mastectomies. One of Ashton's teachers has had one and been such a comfort. A band parent sent me a basket full of clothes I would need to wear after surgery since she had had it done and has been so helpful to talk to. Band kids are going to take care of our yard. Multiple families have offered to make meals and watch our kids. Our babysitter is collecting donations for a lady to clean our house after surgery. I needed peace about major decisions regarding my reconstruciton and our Sunday School class prayed over me on Sunday. A friend of Kate's is lending me some tank tops she used after her mastectomy to hold the drains that will be in place and are very expensive. She was a complete stranger and talked to me for a long time last week about surgery and what it was like having young children. People at work have been so wonderful giving cards, gifts, flowers.

Then Tuesday, Wes and Ashton and Collin were in a car accident. God again save us because they were not even scratched.  A dump truck rolled into the back of the van while they were sitting in traffic but God has provided us with a rental and it will be fixed. Most importantly, the boys are alright. Then last night a tree fell down in our front yard and a neighbor helped wes cut it up at midnight.  He and his wife have been so supportive in our situation and offered to help in any way.

So I got my surgery date for April 10 on Tuesday and felt discouraged that it would be so long. My surgeon and our friend the radiologist have reassued us that waiting this long will not change anything but the devil keeps putting that fear in my head. Then yesterday I talked to my plastic surgeon and he told me some great news that he may be able to do without a major step in the process, sparing me my back muscle which I had originally chosen to be the base of my reconstruciton. this was good news and could mean eliminating the need for a second surgery, which he had first said was inevitable. He will not know until he gets into the surgery but we are hoping for the best!! He also mentioned this could move the date up so yesterday I was so hopeful. I JUST got a call that they will not be able to move the surgery up which made me feel anxious and I felt quite low. I sat down to read my devotional and God gave me these verses, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14 and John 14:1 "Let not your heart be troubled." These are only 2 of the verses he has given me over the past week and each one so timely. Then immediately after I read that, I got a text from Ashton's teacher that said she was thinking about me and hoping I could find some calm. Her text then read "So I was thinking about your anxiousness  to get this over and done, and how the 10th seems so far out. I then thought what a nice opportunity you will have to enjoy the boys during most of sping break instead of not being able to enjoy them by having the surgery early." I immediately started crying. God is so amazing to make people think about you when you need them and made her text me those words when I was in fact feeling so anxious. Even this past week, I had two patients who I love dearly that are breast cancer survivors that had appoinements that were so kind to me and encouraging.

So there. I have said it and could go on and on about all the incredible things that have happened over the past 7 days. I will continue to post as much as possible mostly because I someday want my children to read this and know what happened and how God used it and how God brought us through it and changed us forever.

Here are the words from Judges regarding Gideon that have struck me:
"And the angel of the Lord appeared to him, ' The Lord is with you o mighty man of valor.' and Gideon said to him, 'Please sir, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us?'...And the Lord turned to him and said, "Go in this might of yours and save Isreal from the hand of Midian; do I not send you...But I will be with you." and then verse 23 God says to Gideon, "Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die."