prayers tonight

Praying for my boys tonight...
That Ashton would use his talents and his intelligence for the Lord. That God would continue to bless him with quiet leadership, love for the Word, and a tender heart. Healing from his allergies and from the fear that entangles us because of them.

That Collin would be independent and have an identity apart from his brothers, help us to give him the attention he needs to battle the stereotypical tendencies toward being the middle child. That he would continue to be a peacemaker and have a kind heart towards others. That he would continue to pray out loud. That he would use his frustrations toward fighting for the things of God.

That Embry would always have his joyful, fun loving personality. That he would continue to grow in his love for praying and singing out loud. Praying that he would grow in his intelligence and kind heart.

Thank you Lord for giving me these boys and allowing us to watch as they develop into children who want to follow You. Thank you that they love one another and I pray they would always keep the deep bonds of brotherhood!

These thoughts were inspired by things they did today. We went to Barnes and Noble story hour and then got lunch at Zoe's kitchen. It was our first time getting food for the boys there. Wes and I love it and one just opened near us. I was thrilled they have an allergy menu and items A and E can eat. I ordered online and even called to discuss things with the manager, but Ashton was concerned and questioned me on the way home about whether he could eat the food. I am so sorry he has fears about his eating. Today Collin cleaned up his legos first and so I let him watch a movie. Ashton was so upset even though he knew he did not clean up as I had asked him. Collin, the peacemaker, went over to AShton and told him he would let Ashton choose the movie.
Embry the other day prayed aloud in the car for an ambulance. We do that when we see one but he has really taken it upon himself to alert us know and tell us we have to pray. He led the prayer the other day and it was so sweet and unforgettable. Tonight from his crib he was yelling, "mommy you need to come up here right now!" several times to get more socks, covers, water, breathing treatment because he is sick, etc. He's pretty demanding and his brothers think it is hilarious.

A Most Memorable Day

Today was my last day of radiation. 28 treatments now complete! I am so thrilled to have it behind us. I really wanted today to be memorable so I had asked a high school friend, Dallas Roe, who owns a company, Miss Priss Tutus, to make me a pink one. It turned out so cute and was so fun to wear today! My mom came and I was thrilled that she could be there and it also allowed me to bring the boys which made the day so incredible. They have been asking to see the radiation machine and asking so many questions. I really wanted them to see it and be a part of this day. Melanie, Wes's sister, has been staying with us all week and took me out last night to Charming Charlie's to pick out some other pink accessories for my outfit! She got me a pink scarf and flip flops. I wore my grandmother Barbara's pink earrings and the button that my office made for all the staff to wear that has been my facebook profile picture during this journey.

The boys loved the tutu. They were so cute. Collin said, "I think my mommy's a ballerina and I love your tutu mommy." They thought it was so fun. The radiation staff loved it too. They let the boys come back to the treatment room to see the machine. (They told me later they were very scared of it because it was so big) They even let me take photos in the treatment room. They played pomp and circumstance during the last treatment and gave me a certificate they all signed. (Earlier this week, they played Katy Perry's Roar which was also fun. They said another patient had a mix CD her friend had made her and she left it for them to play for other women)

Afterwards, we all went to "mama bakes safe cakes", an allergy friendly bakery to get cupcakes and ice cream. Then we rode to my dad's office which was nearby to see him for a minute.

The boys all wore pink bowties that Amanda Gard had sent them! They looked adorable.

We greatly missed Wes who was writing hard working on his second day of comprehensive exams at Georgia. He has three days in a classroom by himself writing for 8 hours on only 2 questions per day! I have never seen him this stressed. Tomorrow is his last day and he has the hardest part, a listening history exam and the amount of material is unbelievable. Right now he is listening to some sort of monk chanting. I will be so glad when this is over! haha We cannot wait to celebrate both of our huge weeks this weekend!! It has been a crazy summer being in radiation and having him study until 1 or 2 am nightly for this test. When he is finished, he will be done with his coursework and will start his dissertation. He will be one giant step closer to Dr. York!!

It is so hard to put into words the emotions of today. Being on that table one last time. I have prayed as that machine went over me daily that all those cancer cells would be killed and I would have no lasting effects from this treatment. My oncologist and nurse have said I did great. My skin looks sunburned but can look a lot worse and they said it doesn't ever look better than what I have. I have made them believers in calendula cream which was one suggestion they gave me to use on my skin. I have taken some naps in the evenings but really have not had much fatigue. Being a working mom of three, I feel like I'm not a good judge of fatigue. I am always tired!

We are just so humbled by God's mercy guiding us on this journey. It has been quite an experience and we trust God's purpose in all of this. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what the next step is for us. I know that we will be forever changed after this diagnosis and it's hard to not dream about how God could use this experience. I don't want to be the same now that I am on this side of the cancer experience. I know I will appreciate life more and  look at each day with my family as such a gift. March 5 seems like such a long time ago now. That day and the following were the darkest days I have ever experienced and yet God brought us out of it so quickly and I realize that it isn't like that for everyone. I don't know why He chose to give me mercy but I plan on using the days ahead to serve and glorify Him wherever He leads. We can only rely on Him as we never know what news each day will bring. I hope my children will look at these pictures in the future and know a little bit of what this journey has been like for our family and how God has used it to shape us. These verses were in my devotional this morning and are so appropriate.

Psalm 9:9-10, “The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” (NIV)

Romans 15:13, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (NIV)

Ashton playing around with the tutu before bed tonight. so funny!!

threw this in. How we spent our morning...tin foil rivers!

 

News of the week

Our sweet Ashton had big time allergy testing today. I asked for them to go ahead and do all of the environmental allergens and he tested positive to so many things, grasses, trees, dust mites, dog which we knew and now he also tested positive for soy and buckwheat! His poor back was full of hives and he was so itchy and miserable. Sweet Collin and I were blowing on his back trying to soothe him until the doctor came back to measrure the hives. I had wondered about soy because he stopped eating soy ice cream, yogurt and chocolate milk but he does eat other things with soy. I am just praying his blood levels will be low enough that we will just have to avoid the straight soy products but can continue to eat other things. All in all, he appears to be outgrowing some of the nuts and the egg but told me he does not want to try to eat those things even at the allergist's office. In fact, he told us he never wants to eat anything he was allergic to. Poor baby, he is so scared of having a reaction. I am so thankful for our awesome Dr Rezvani who totally respects that and told him we'll do it when he's ready. Now we have to consider allergy shots for him. I told Rezvani between me having breast cancer and Wes getting his doctorate, allergy shots will have to come later. Plus, AShton is still so young. I hate to traumatize him with those when all in all, his asthma is actually very well controlled.

Afterwards, and after dashing to chickfilA drive thru for all 3, eating it in the car and trading cars with Wes for my radiation, I met back up with the boys at Target for a well deserved new toy! Embry also did great although he was only tested for milk and was once again positive. We continue to be engrossed in the allergy world!

Yesterday was my halfway point with radiation!! Hooray! My skin is a little pink and I am a little swollen and lopsided... and starting to get pretty tired but all in all doing wonderful! I went straight to whole foods and bought some vegan fudge pops for us all to celebrate when we got home.

I did get some news on Wednesday that was a little unsettling with my genetic testing. Thankfully all the major breast cancer genes are negative but one gene for a type of colon cancer showed a variant of unknown significance. Basically there was a change but no one knows if that change causes anything. I go to the medical oncologist next week to discuss it and see if she recommends I get a colonscopy. We are trying not to worry about this extra news.

In good news, I met a new friend this week that I was able to encourage who was just diagnosed at age 40. She is a preschool teacher of 2 of my coworkers and a very strong Believer. We are going to the same practice for breast surgeons and I was able to recommend my plastic surgeon and she is seeing him next week. It is such a blessing to see the women God has placed in my life to walk through this with. Almost weekly, I have had one patient who I know is a breast cancer survivor come in and it has been awesome to tell them what I am going through and get a  hug or card from them encouraging me. There is a instant connection when you meet someone that knows what it is like to get this diagnosis, no matter what age they are. I am honored to know these special women. I am truly praying I will be able to reach out especially to more young women.

In other news, Wes is working hard on his preparation for his HUGE  3 day doctoral comps exam in a few weeks. He is staying up until 1 and 2 every night preparing. Please pray for him. He has his oral exam a week or so after the comps.
I posted this photo tonight on FB-we were so young 12 years ago. We had no idea what was ahead of us!

 

 

Post Op Catch up

I have not posted one photo since my surgery I realized so here are a bunch from the last 2 mos. Here is the first picture of me after my surgery on post op day #3. Looking back, I can't believe I was outside! Most of that first week is a blur because I slept so much and was on pain pills and muscle relaxers around the clock.I am wearing a shirt that a sweet band mom and breast cancer survivor loaned me that a few other post mastectomy patients have worn. She gave me a basket of stuff and it was special to wear shirts that other women walking in my shoes had worn. i wore only loose button down shirts for awhile because I could not lift my arms and I had drains. You cannot tell but I am wearing two drains that were sutured into my skin and hung from my body. One was in for only like 10 days but the other was in for like 3 weeks! They were the worst part because they were very uncomfortable and a pain to clean. Wes and my mom got really good at it. It is so amazing to look at this photo which was 2 months ago and thank God for how far I have come. For the last 2 weeks I am even able to lift Embry. The first time I lifted him from his crib brought tears to my eyes. It's hard to not hold your child close to your chest for nearly 2 months. I can lift my arms all the way over my head now and I am able to open most doors although  heavy ones still hurt a little. The other day I closed the hatch door of our car and was able to reach up to get orange juice at Kroger without standing on the bottom shelf. Things have improved!

 

 

 Before my surgery my sweet sister in law sent me some superwoman PJs. The boys were quite jealous so she got all three superman PJs. They LOVE them.

 Here are some photos from Easter which was very soon after my surgery. We knew we would not be going to church so we had dressed up for Easter the day before my operation. We did have an egg hunt Easter morning. Embry really got into it for the first time this year. A and C are pros of course!

These photos are from Mohter's Day. After church, we celebrated at our house with my family.

 Mygrandfather had knee replacement surgery about 2 weeks after my surgery. He stayed in a rehab facility for a few weeks near my parents and had hours of physical therapy daily. He actually enjoyed being there and did so well, they asked him to do a testimonial for the place! The boys thought it was so interesting that he got a new knee and would be able to walk better now. Ashton wondered what they did with the old one!

 So very thankful for these two special people in my life! We sure do miss their spouses though.

This last photo was from tonight. Ashton finished his first week of Bible school this week and had a family night where he performed his songs at church. He had a great time. The theme was a spy/police theme. He came home with a jar he called a lantern today to catch fireflies. when we got home the boys couldn't wait to catch them! We saw lots tonight and this is from their hunt! It was so fun watching them chase them. Embry is saying the funniest things now too. He gets so enthusiastic when he speaks. He loves to sing  and dance.  Today he was singing in the car and Collin got annoyed. He said, "Collin!! You are acting like a BABY!" Collin got angry but couldn't help but to laugh. He loves it when Embry says funny things. Embry loved watching Ashton perform tonight. He stood in my dad's lap and danced and did the motions to all the songs.

3 down, 25 to go!!

Today was day #3 of radiation. I cannot believe I have not blogged since April. I've been back at work for 4 weeks now. At the end of my medical leavve, I met with a radiation and medical oncologist since my pathology came back unclear. My breast surgeon said she was unsure that she got good margins in my axillary (armpit) area and there were 2 questionable things on my pathology report. One turned out to be a mislabeling but it's been a mess to correct. The other was that there was a lymph node that had isolate tumor cells present. This had us scared to death one weekend because my plastic surgeon said he thought I would need chemo. However, my report was discussed at the Northside tumor board and they felt the cells were leftover from my biopsies I had before the surgery and did not have any potential to invade and cause malignancy. However, after the tumor board met, the medical and radiation oncologist told me different things. So, I was upset and unsettled about the whole thing and was able to get in with an Emory oncologist for a second opinion, by the grace of God! I got her email from a GAC mom who just found me at field day and turns out another friend had seen her at Emory as well. It was truly a miracle that she answered my email within an hour and got me in to see her the following week. She then presented my case to the Emory tumor board 2 weeks later and they said the pathology was exactly as the Northside pathologists had concluded which made us all feel so much better. They said radiaiton was questionable but some studies could support it. I decided to go through with radiation though because the Northside folks were more adamant and especially my breast surgeon. I feel if she was uneasy, she knows best since she was in there looking at it! So I have been through the preliminary marking and measuring and this week started my daily treatments. I will have 28, so I am only working until about 2 pm daily. It is not the easiest thing emotionally to lay there while they radiate you but I am praying it will do its job and I will have no lasting side effects.
I wish I had time to write every day about the ways God has shown Himself to me and through his word during this time. It is absolutely amazing how He reminds me that He provides courage and that the troubles we face on earth are only temporary and how I need to focus on HIm and eternity. I continue to just feel so blessed and God has given us so much mercy that this thing was caught early and was contained and I did not need chemo. There have been several bumps along the way but nothing compared to what it could be and I remind myself of that daily.

Post Op Day 15

It's been hard for me to post or think about exactly what I want to say about the last two weeks. This is only the second day that I have been alone in my house because we have had family in and out and this is the first week I have not had any kiddos with me. It's been really nice and quiet! Yesterday i watched about 6 hours of Parenthood on Netflix and slept and ate! I finished reading the Hunger Games and am now on to Catching Fire. I have one drain left on my left side which is the side that HAD the cancer. I am hoping to get it out at my follow up Friday but am not sure it will happen. My right drain was really painful and I was so thankful it got out after only a week.
     I ended up spending only one night in the hospital, which was crazy! The morning of the surgery was pouring rain, of course! Wes and I left very early and I was able to see Ashton and Collin before we left. My parents and brother had spent the night to take care of the boys in the morning and then Kate came to take care of them in the afternoon. I don't think Wes would mind me writing that as we pulled into the parking space at the women's center, he finally had a breakdown. I was ok and ready to just get the day over with but emotionally, he had held it together for way too long. I think he was probably feeling similar to the way I had felt the previous week when driving into the parking deck. We had been here several times the past 5 years for our boys and the feelings were so very different.  There are no words to ever describe how blessed I am to have this man and how undeserving. God has been so merciful to us.
     Once we got inside, they took me away and briefed Wes on where he would be and how he would get info during the day. Once I was ready, he was able to be with me a lot of the morning. I cannot say enough good things about the Northside Breast Center. Every person was wonderful and calming and perfect. A good friend of my mom's made sure that I had the "best of the best care" and I don't know how many different important looking people came to check on me and about three different support groups brought little gifts!
     During the morning, they took me to inject me with radioactive material for the sentinel node biopsy they would perform during surgery. After that, I was taken to a gamma camera so they could locate and mark the node. Then my plastic surgeon came in to mark on me. He marked on my back as well in case he needed to use my latissimus muscle for reconstruction. As I was getting on to the OR table, the nurses were asking why my back was marked up? I told them and they were frustrated saying he had not told them to prepare for that. I was frustrated because as I was drifting off to sleep it seemed they didn't know exactly what he was going to do. When i woke up, I had no idea what type of reconstruction I had had. I knew it was going to be a decision in the OR but it was unsettling knowing the nurses were not prepared. It wasn't until the next day I learned that he had decided to use donor tissue and expanders instead of the back muscle. At first I was upset but now grateful for the easier recovery. Recovery went well and once back with my family, they told me that the initial sentinel node biopsy was negative. praise the Lord. I had amazing nurses that night, one even went to Sprayberry, our high school rival, and graduated the same year as me. We ended up knowing some of the same people. SHe was really sweet and I did great. They kept tellig me how awesome I was doing...I thought maybe because they aren't used to having young women there. haha
     So the next day we went home and I ended up not even missing a day of seeing my children! They were off that whole week for spring break and my mom was with us. I slept a lot and got waiting on hand and foot. We had many sweet people bring us meals and our cleaning service from the band began. On Friday, wes and I went to the plastic surgeon, Dr Mackay's office for follow up. He then gave me my path report which said I had tumor cells in my lymph node and he felt I would need chemo but wanted me to talk with my breast surgeon for sure. That sent us on another shockwave of emotion. We were really unprepared for chemo and had known it was  a possibility but unlikely. But, I researched the phrasing used on the pathology report over the weekend and found out this likely meant some tumor cells were spread during my biopsies and unlikely any concern. I verified this with some oncology PAs and heard the same news from my breast surgeon the following week. Praise God! She said those cells would eventually die and be absorbed and no cause for any concern! SO the lymph nodes are negative. However, she wants me to have radiation due to the extent of disease, 9 cm and the fact that the disease was all around the lymph nodes. She says it is harder to get clear margins in the lymph area so to prevent recurrence she thinks radiation is appropriate. i am meeting with a radiation and medical oncologist this week to get the final word.
     So that's it! 2 crazy weeks in a nutshell. Wes and I were able to eat at Ippolito's one night and then shop for a new fridge one night since ours went out during all this mayhem and even had a Starbucks date after an appt last week. We are so grateful to our parents' help and especially my mom who moved in with us for 2 weeks helping and took off work. SHe and wes have literally been my hands, as we are all called to be the hands and feet of Christ! From helping me eat at first to cleaning my drains to putting my hair in ponytails, they have done it all and kept our family going. I am able to do a lot more now but still cannot reach out or overhead and cannot lift. I had an emotional wave today because the plastic surgeon's office told me I cannot go back to work next week as planned. I was told by my breast surgeon to take off 3 weeks which I did but the PS says 6 weeks. i am hoping another week will allow me sufficient time, but I really cannot see myself examining someone right now anyway. So I'll have another week to myself which isn't bad. I haven't had this in 6 years!  We cannot thank everyone enough for the texts and emails and calls. God has blessed us beyond belief. On Easter, we celebrated at home because the boys were a little sick over the weekend. It felt strange not going to church but I am so thankful for my Risen Savior and the new spiritual life he gave me long ago when I accepted him and now for the new physical life he has given me in defeating cancer. I guess I want to feel totally different but the truth is that I didn't feel bad before so it's hard. My reconstruction is going so well, I don't even look that different besides the two large scars! But I trust Him knowing He has allowed me to catch this early and treat it successfully. I may have a bumpier road with radiation than I had anticipated but we continue to trust in Him as we prepare for the next road.

These were taken at a park before church the day before my surgery.

We all dressed in pink! I wanted to dress up since I didn't think I would feel like going to church on Easter. I am so glad we did now!

 

It was emotional but a great way to spend the morning!!

At my grandmother's house getting her lift recliner to borrow for postop

fun with cousins and denny at GG's house

 

The week before surgery Ashton had a class musical and he was Old McDonald! He had a ball and knew everyone's lines and would tell me who didn't know their lines the week before. He loved every song and even got to play the woodblock. wes was so proud that he kept time so well!!

This was my TATA to the TATA's Girl's night the week before surgery!! It was so much fun! We painted pottery, a plate that has a verse and the girls all signed the back which says bye bye cancer, hello the rest of my life.

Kate had wanted to get some awesome boobie cupcakes but the bakeries wouldn't do it so she settled for these princess ones from GiGi's that were amazing. I thought the crown looks like a bra though!

My sweet sweet girls who have been with me through band, boys, weddings, babies and now breast cancer. Kate and Marge are pregnant in this photo!

These photos are all from one week postop when Melanie, Sandy and Edwin came to visit. We went to Sim's park and walked. The boys rode bikes while wes had a nice jog to keep up with them!