Don't waste your cancer...started Otober 3

Today AShton was supposed to have a field trip to Jaemor Farms but it got rained out. So we have a very disappointed boy on our hands. To make his day better, I brought him Chickfila to school and we had lunch together. Now I am at Starbucks waiting a few hours until I get to go read to his class since he is star student this week! Last night he learned a big lesson. He told me we should pray four times that God would not let it rain today so he could go on his field trip. Seeing the forecast,  I explained that sometimes God does not answer a prayer in a way that we would hope but it is only because he knows the best. He said well God loves us and would want us to go on the field trip. I told him yes, but someone somewhere might need it to rain and pray for rain today. He replied, "well then it's a tie." phew this boy is good! I then told him perhaps somewhere some farmer needs it to rain so that his crops can grow and he can feed his family and maybe that was more important than our field trip. He couldn't argue with that one. I wonder if this will stick in his little head though that God may not answer our prayers the way we ask him.

Today is October 3, the third day into breast cancer awareness month and pink is EVERYWHERE. It is my last week day of my recovery and I have to start back work on Monday. Six months ago I was a few days away from my mastectomy. It is hard to believe. What is even harder to believe is that almost exactly a year ago I found a breast lump and prayed so very hard that it was nothing...and I was told by more than one doctor that it was nothing for about 5 months. Then in March I got a different answer and God answered my prayer in a different way. Now the question is... why? I am doing so very well and I am so incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude to God that I was spared from what could have been so devastating, but I am still wondering why did I go through this? LAst week Wes and I watched a Parenthood together where Kristina tells her husband she has breast cancer. It was so emotional for him, I don't think he'll be watching much more with me, but it brought on a deep discussion between us. Now that we are on the other side of this, what were we supposed to learn and take from this? We know a couple in our class at church who are exactly a year out from treatment of the husband's testicular cancer. They tell us that a week before his diagnosis, their marriage was on the rocks and they prayed desparately for God to do something in their lives. They can honestly say they are thankful for cancer and the way God used it to transform their marriage. Well I cannot say that I prayed for a life changing event before I was diagnosed and I can honestly say it is difficult to be thankful for this. I can say that I have seen and felt God's presence throughout and no doubt He has changed the way I look at life and my children but is there more? I can see the way that God has allowed me to view my patients differently and the women I have been able to bond with through this diagnosis are amazing women that I am so thankful to now know. I had lunch with my new friend Tricia the other day whom I would have never met had it not been for cancer. She is such a sister to me now and we say often that no one in the world can relate to each other the way we can. I also am so thankful for the extra time these two recoveries and a summer of radiation gave me with my children due to all the time off work I have gotten. Especially in this last three weeks, I have had so much one on one time individually with my boys and been able to do more for them at school and pick them up from school which has been a huge blessing.

Then last Sunday in our church class, we talked about Hebrews 12 and God's discipline. Since the couple I mentioned earlier was there and we were too, our teachers posed the question, "can we say that cancer is punishment or God's discipline?" Wes and I both wanted to just run out of the room and held back tears during the class. I couldn't wait to get out of there and I know that no one in my class would say Blakely must have done something to deserve this, but it is a difficult thing to imagine and sure, I have had thoughts like that. All I know at this point is that God spared me and His mercy to my family is incredible and I don't want to miss what He is going to do through us because of what we have been through.

This brought me to read David Piper's pamphlet this week called, Don't Waste Your Cancer. Someone in our church class recommended it and I am so glad I read it, although it was difficult.

In the pamphlet, Piper has several items he challenges not to miss and if you do, he says you waste your cancer. The first one is basically not to think of cancer as judgment for us as  Believers, because Christ took on our judgment. Although all suffering is a result of sin, and in a sense judgment, we in Christ can instead think of it as "labor pains of a new creation."  His second point is that God permits everything for a reason and therefore our cancer is designed by Him. This one is hard to stomach but he points to Job and how Job said that his boils were from God.  I have thought all along that God knew even as a little girl that one day I would face this obstacle. I am so thankful He prepared me for it and can honestly say although this was a shock to us, Wes and I both believe He had prepared us for this. I have written before about how God used Gideon's story even before my diagnosis to strengthen me. It is evident in the way friends and family have supported us and He has taken care of all of our needs. He gave me the most incredible husband to walk me through this and I have said countless times how thankful I am for my boys' ages right now. I think only Ashton will remember bits and pieces of the last 6 months which is why I am trying to write about this. Their sweet little minds did not have to worry and I am so grateful. The third point that really hit home with me was "we waste our cancer if we seek comfort in our odds rather than from God." He quotes 2 Corinthians 1:9 " we felt that we had received the sentence of death. BUt that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead"
I will never forget the 24 hours after I received the call of my diagnosis or the 45 minutes in the MRI tube before we knew the extent of my disease. It was my darkest day but I have never felt so intensely my need to rely on God. I knew things could go either way, but that God was there in that horrible tube with me. THAT was relying on God and I can say I have experienced it and know my need for it daily. And maybe that was what I needed. I know I may never know all these answers, but I don't want to waste my cancer or miss what God is trying to teach me. I hope my children will one day read this and God will use it for them. God showed me Psalm 106:8 the other day, "Yet he saved them for His name's sake that He might make known His mighty power." People tell me I am so courageous and I chose such an aggressive treatment that was so brave, but I am not brave.
Hillsong's Oceans has played so many times in various places during my treatment. I love the song and it reflects everything I feel. I asked them to play the Fish in the MRI tunnel for me and God gave me this song. God has definitely taken me where my trust was without borders.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

2 days postop

So here I am 2 days postop from reconstruction. I thought I was doing great until today. I woke up so sick with a headache and nausea most of the day so I stopped my pain meds and am now just on Tylenol. The pain is really minor compared to the mastectomy with the drains and all. The only pain I have is on the right side, because he had to do a lot of work on that side to make it even with the left which was radiated. He said I was very challenging which is not what you want to hear! There was about a 3 cm difference in position so he had to lift the right side up using donor tissue called Alloderm. I had a little of this from my first surgery already. He told me he was thinking of using fetal pig tissue called Stratus but the day of surgery as they rolled me in to the OR, he said my insurance did not approve the Stratus. So great...here I am about to drift off and he tells me this! Oh well, I am happy with the result and I think overall I look pretty "even." haha I think it is hilarious that he actually sat me up un surgery to see which implant fit the best. Very hard to imagine!!

Anyway, I am glad it is over. Now the sore part is the sutures because he had to suture the alloderm to the outside of my skin to hold it in place and he had to suture excess skin to my chest muscle. I am really glad I have taken 3 weeks off of work now! So I will be catching up on my reading and Parenthood over the next few weeks since it will be awhile before I can drive again. Just feeling so thankful that this is hopefully my last step in this journey.

I also started physical therapy last week with an organization called Turning point. They only do therapy, nutrition and counseling for breast cancer patients. Plus, the therapists are either survivors or had some impact with breast cancer in their lives. The first visit last week was actually very emotional for me. I left there and had a breakdown. It was just so strange to fill out the paperwork about what daily activities were difficult for you or caused pain. I didn't realize how bad my range of motion was until I went. I had even wondered if I should go, but my radiation oncologist encouraged it after my six week visit with her. I still have strain reaching for things, closing the van doors, lifting the boys, opening doors etc but I just kept telling myself it would get better. Now I know that it really won't unless I do something about it. My therapist said all I told her was completely normal but she wished I had come in sooner. She massaged my pec muscles and taught me a few stretches and said we will be doing a lot more once I am cleared after this surgery. She also said radiation contracted my muscles on the left even more and that the effects can even worsen over a year which explains why my pain seemed to be getting worse lately. Anyway, even after my first session my range improved so I know she will be so helpful. I am so thankful to live in a city where we have access to this type of thing. She told me women drive for hours to get there.

So that's the update on me. Just so thankful that this journey is coming to a close and God has been so merciful to us. There are no words to describe how grateful we are.

Nashville

My mom and I took a girl's trip to Nashville a couple of weeks ago for Patrick and Catherine's first wedding shower. We had so much fun spending time with them on our own.

The shower was so cute and they got these adorable towels from the Loveless Café where their wedding reception will be

This is the beautiful chapel where they will get married. There was a wedding going on when we visited so we got to peek in. We also got to have breakfast at a coffeehouse where the rehearsal dinner will take place. It is just perfect for them and I am so excited about the wedding weekend!

On our way home, we got to visit Margaret and Daron and family to meet new baby Carter! Here is big brother Truman!

We got to see Marge's mom and dad too which was an unexpected treat!!

And here is a photo from our big boy's sixth birthday! I can hardly believe it! He wanted to go bowling on his bday so we took a family trip and had a blast

School Days

These cuties are getting so big! Ashton started kindergarten and Collin is in K3. We decided it would be good for him to do K3 again since his birthday is so late. He loves it and loves his new teacher!

A little Late...Ashton and Collin's Birthday Party!

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery so I actually have time now to blog while I'm sitting around! These pics are from the camping party we had for Ashton and Collin before school started back. It was such a fun theme!

We rented the Settles Bridge park pavilion so the kids could play on the playground.

 

Little Anderson and mommy

I actually found a tent piñata on amazon and we had fun filling the treat bags with flashlights and compasses

The kids loved making handprint campfires with finger paint

Wes brought our tent and the kids loved playing in it!

We are fun camping snacks. Apples and carrots with sunbutter, piggies in blankets and had a make your own trailmix bar!

My parents made this awesome Camp York sign!

prayers tonight

Praying for my boys tonight...
That Ashton would use his talents and his intelligence for the Lord. That God would continue to bless him with quiet leadership, love for the Word, and a tender heart. Healing from his allergies and from the fear that entangles us because of them.

That Collin would be independent and have an identity apart from his brothers, help us to give him the attention he needs to battle the stereotypical tendencies toward being the middle child. That he would continue to be a peacemaker and have a kind heart towards others. That he would continue to pray out loud. That he would use his frustrations toward fighting for the things of God.

That Embry would always have his joyful, fun loving personality. That he would continue to grow in his love for praying and singing out loud. Praying that he would grow in his intelligence and kind heart.

Thank you Lord for giving me these boys and allowing us to watch as they develop into children who want to follow You. Thank you that they love one another and I pray they would always keep the deep bonds of brotherhood!

These thoughts were inspired by things they did today. We went to Barnes and Noble story hour and then got lunch at Zoe's kitchen. It was our first time getting food for the boys there. Wes and I love it and one just opened near us. I was thrilled they have an allergy menu and items A and E can eat. I ordered online and even called to discuss things with the manager, but Ashton was concerned and questioned me on the way home about whether he could eat the food. I am so sorry he has fears about his eating. Today Collin cleaned up his legos first and so I let him watch a movie. Ashton was so upset even though he knew he did not clean up as I had asked him. Collin, the peacemaker, went over to AShton and told him he would let Ashton choose the movie.
Embry the other day prayed aloud in the car for an ambulance. We do that when we see one but he has really taken it upon himself to alert us know and tell us we have to pray. He led the prayer the other day and it was so sweet and unforgettable. Tonight from his crib he was yelling, "mommy you need to come up here right now!" several times to get more socks, covers, water, breathing treatment because he is sick, etc. He's pretty demanding and his brothers think it is hilarious.

A Most Memorable Day

Today was my last day of radiation. 28 treatments now complete! I am so thrilled to have it behind us. I really wanted today to be memorable so I had asked a high school friend, Dallas Roe, who owns a company, Miss Priss Tutus, to make me a pink one. It turned out so cute and was so fun to wear today! My mom came and I was thrilled that she could be there and it also allowed me to bring the boys which made the day so incredible. They have been asking to see the radiation machine and asking so many questions. I really wanted them to see it and be a part of this day. Melanie, Wes's sister, has been staying with us all week and took me out last night to Charming Charlie's to pick out some other pink accessories for my outfit! She got me a pink scarf and flip flops. I wore my grandmother Barbara's pink earrings and the button that my office made for all the staff to wear that has been my facebook profile picture during this journey.

The boys loved the tutu. They were so cute. Collin said, "I think my mommy's a ballerina and I love your tutu mommy." They thought it was so fun. The radiation staff loved it too. They let the boys come back to the treatment room to see the machine. (They told me later they were very scared of it because it was so big) They even let me take photos in the treatment room. They played pomp and circumstance during the last treatment and gave me a certificate they all signed. (Earlier this week, they played Katy Perry's Roar which was also fun. They said another patient had a mix CD her friend had made her and she left it for them to play for other women)

Afterwards, we all went to "mama bakes safe cakes", an allergy friendly bakery to get cupcakes and ice cream. Then we rode to my dad's office which was nearby to see him for a minute.

The boys all wore pink bowties that Amanda Gard had sent them! They looked adorable.

We greatly missed Wes who was writing hard working on his second day of comprehensive exams at Georgia. He has three days in a classroom by himself writing for 8 hours on only 2 questions per day! I have never seen him this stressed. Tomorrow is his last day and he has the hardest part, a listening history exam and the amount of material is unbelievable. Right now he is listening to some sort of monk chanting. I will be so glad when this is over! haha We cannot wait to celebrate both of our huge weeks this weekend!! It has been a crazy summer being in radiation and having him study until 1 or 2 am nightly for this test. When he is finished, he will be done with his coursework and will start his dissertation. He will be one giant step closer to Dr. York!!

It is so hard to put into words the emotions of today. Being on that table one last time. I have prayed as that machine went over me daily that all those cancer cells would be killed and I would have no lasting effects from this treatment. My oncologist and nurse have said I did great. My skin looks sunburned but can look a lot worse and they said it doesn't ever look better than what I have. I have made them believers in calendula cream which was one suggestion they gave me to use on my skin. I have taken some naps in the evenings but really have not had much fatigue. Being a working mom of three, I feel like I'm not a good judge of fatigue. I am always tired!

We are just so humbled by God's mercy guiding us on this journey. It has been quite an experience and we trust God's purpose in all of this. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what the next step is for us. I know that we will be forever changed after this diagnosis and it's hard to not dream about how God could use this experience. I don't want to be the same now that I am on this side of the cancer experience. I know I will appreciate life more and  look at each day with my family as such a gift. March 5 seems like such a long time ago now. That day and the following were the darkest days I have ever experienced and yet God brought us out of it so quickly and I realize that it isn't like that for everyone. I don't know why He chose to give me mercy but I plan on using the days ahead to serve and glorify Him wherever He leads. We can only rely on Him as we never know what news each day will bring. I hope my children will look at these pictures in the future and know a little bit of what this journey has been like for our family and how God has used it to shape us. These verses were in my devotional this morning and are so appropriate.

Psalm 9:9-10, “The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” (NIV)

Romans 15:13, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (NIV)

Ashton playing around with the tutu before bed tonight. so funny!!

threw this in. How we spent our morning...tin foil rivers!